I DO recall thinking Scuttlebutt's bottle opener overbite would be perfect for scratching an ankle itch…

Plus, he DOES have a proven track record of fusing his flagging 2-ply face to shoe leather at the drop of a deuce. And, as they say, it's always the last place you look…

Yeah, I know a place where he cuts quite a distinct figure, and it's not just because of the electric neon pink Norman Bates motel sign advertising VACANCY in florescent flickers between his steaming teakettle ears, VERBALSMACKTARD. You ready for it, you frothing fucksmudge?

 UNDER MY BOOT.

Right.

Now, in all the hubbub rising up from your crowded airline capacity colon at the reception of my beautifully masterminded "no game theory" regarding your complete lack of blogging ability, you grime laden grease spot on the information superhighway, I'd almost forgotten the original question. Who's going to win this pivotal match up to determine the fate of the blogging UNIVERSE?

...but you're so dense that you believe the tingling sensation in your floppy funhole is your ass falling asleep, and not the liberal application of BenGay to your snausage digits as you engage in a frantic thumbwar with your nosebone pierced sphincter, you infinitely stupid dip stick. So let me just field this final jeopardy question for you, shit truffle.

YOU ARE THE PROPERTY OF TROLL TRACKERS

But don't fret, you steamrollered flat skid mark, here's a consolation prize for being such a willing heavy bag.

_TT

Now make like Stud and gtfo

Traveling North America, these signs blemish the continent's highways promising the weary road traveler clean restrooms and "flame broiled" Double Bacon Whoppers/Cheese all with a minimum-wage smile. Mommies and Daddies can sit back and enjoy a nourishing meal, while the kids amuse themselves with cute, plastic representations of the main characters of Bloggywood's latest cynical cash-grab. These days, one might wonder how we ever did without Lurker Burger and the many conveniences they have to offer. So ubiquitous and welcoming is the familiar LB logo that we rarely if ever question what happened to the sandwich before it found its way wrapped in branded tinfoil and onto our serving tray.

Does Lurker Burger really "fire grill" their burger patties? What exactly goes into those "100% all-American beef" patties and why does it taste like a rained-on copy of the New York Times' Saturday edition? Where exactly has that little Spongebob figure been before your cute little daughter chewed its legs off? This article not only asks but answers these questions and the truth will shock you.

The ingredients of a Lurker Burger burger patty are readily available on most websites.

Sounds great, doesn't it? Knowing that this is the internet and anyone can write whatever they want on their blog regardless of whether it's true or not, we went for a second opinion. We contacted the director of Troll Trackers 'Tard Division, CheeseStrings, and sent her a Lurker Burger patty to analyze.

 

Rohypnol? Haldol? New York fecal matter from an undisclosed source? No wonder people feel sleepy after eating this garbage.

The answer we got only had us asking more questions. Does the management know about this? How aware are LB's employees about the soporific, bland product they're serving up to tens of people daily?

To answer these new, pressing set of questions, we drove down to the armpit of the US, the single brown star on the American flag, to meet up with perhaps the most famous Lurker Burger manager of all time, Mac "Semi" MacGregor.

"Semi" became famous after he ran across the street to a McDonald's restaurant and staged a hunger strike demanding that they sell nothing but cheap whiskey and Slim-Fast diet supplements. He was brutally beaten by police officers who "simply couldn't take any more of that high-pitched squealing of his". He sued the city for damages and won a large settlement, his argument being "Lurker Burger rules". The jury came back with a unanimous decision in favor of the plaintiff. The presiding judge shot himself two nights later, his suicide note reading "That blogger certificate means nothing in my courtroom and even less where I'm going, you fucking whiner". Since then, he has been hired as the official spokesperson for the Lurker Burger corporation.

TrollTracker: So tell us, Semi, what is "Flame Broiling" as the Lurker Burger corporation defines it?

Semi: I'm glad you asked that question, TT. Every Lurker Burger burger patty is cooked in our state-of-the-art and patented Flame Broiler. I brought a picture along for you so you could get a sense of its majesty.

TrollTracker: But ... that looks like a household microwave oven...

Semi: AH-HA! I knew it! You Troll Trackers are all alike. Always rigging interviews so that your buddies look good. Well, I'm not going to take it anymore and neither is your average consumer between the ages of 16 and 23! That demographic of sheep-like consumers with far too much disposable income for their own good is ours, you hear me!? OURS!!

TrollTracker: Woah there, big guy ... I just want to know if that thing "flames" anything at all.

.... *tape ends*

After an uncomfortable five seconds worth of silence, Semi started ranting like an enraged hippo after having one of Jen's rather sizeable electric dildos rammed up its poop-chute with the "Pleasure Level" set at maximum. He had to be goaded out of the room with promises of extra votes being made in his favor in his call-out with Surf and a new Lurker Burger's clown suit from Fakes Exposed. Needless to say, he left promptly and seeing our chance, so did we.

As we drove away, we saw standing beside the Lurker Burger drive-thru ramp a sight that had us all wondering about the future of western civilization.

Children knew the truth! They knew exactly what was being done to them and they were resenting their parents for the dreariness and drudgery they felt in their lives, and they knew that Lurker Burger was at least partially responsible for it.

Once these kids start hitting their teenage years, all of that resentment will make them wear black clothes, get various parts of their anatomy pierced, and they will reply with "now I know how Joan of Arc felt" every time you tell them to clean their rooms. 

Lurker Burger is propagating the much laughed at goth culture every time it sells one of its soporific sandwiches to your children.

Put a cork in boredom and stupidity. Hamstring the next generation of goth conformists. Boycott Lurker Burger now!

TT

- I've always liked Taco Bell better anyhow.

- Bob Dylan

In these uncertain times, isn't it reassuring to know that some things will always stay the same? Take lunatic bloggers as an example of things that never change; and as an example of lunatic bloggers, take Scuttlebutt.

No matter how confused you are by the complexity of events, you can always depend on the clarity of Verbal Graffiti's penetrating analysis to discombobulate your understanding into a jumble of perplexity. In this age of doubt, you can be certain that RAN_OUT_OF_NAMES really is every atomic iota as confused by this world as he appears to be. Yes, while you can't decide if other bloggers are on the verge of insanity or at the epicenter of it, you know for certain that Scuttlebutt is the epicenter.

As an investigative reporter, he is a simpleton, confounded by events beyond his understanding. Yet there is bravery - even a touch of greatness - in his stumblebum perseverance to uncover the hidden truth. He is the little guy against the system, who strives to see justice done irrespective of the personal consequences. On another level, he is the tragi-comic figure of the vainglorious emos: pitifully inept, and hopelessly unaware of his fundamental flaws. On yet another level, he is the blogger who never gets bored offering his rump as a portable boot-buffer to all and sundry in Blogdom. Oh, so many levels...

And - you know what? - he even has a mental illness named after him.

We will briefly examine the group of symptoms that collectively characterize this psychological disorder in future commentary.

The purpose of this intervention is to assist someone whom we all know in order to encourage him to seek professional help so that he may one day overcome his myriad of emotional issues. I truly feel that when overwhelming evidence of his condition is thrust upon him and he's beaten with it to the point where he can no longer pretend to ignore it... only then will he get the message and finally shape up. If not, oh well... any excuse for trouncing an emotional cripple is good enough for me.

This post will be a long wall of text. No pretty pictures or attempts at editing myself for the sake of those of you with a short attention span. Just the facts, ma'am, laid out as succinctly and accurately as possible. Some will like what I have to say while others will no-doubt bitch and moan. That's the difference between those who truly wish to help this individual and the dirty rotten enablers.

What is it about blogging that attracts the lowest common denominator of the human population? No I'm not referring to the bullies, the sociopaths, or the morally corrupt. In fact, I welcome them and encourage their participation on this blog. The more the merrier I say! Troll Trackers is the seedy underworld of the internet where all manner of linguistic cruelty and cyber mayhem are the order of the day when you step into this arena. One would normally assume that the majority of the cretins would be thick-skinned hard-asses and proceed with caution.

Unfortunately, when you look around, that is clearly not the case. Social broadcasting, past and present has mostly been the home of the emotionally weak and the mentally unstable. On the one hand that's a good thing because it fills a blog with plenty of fodder, but on the other hand, it's bad because if left unchecked they can flood a topic with copious amounts of angst and whining that quickly grows tiresome.

Why would insecure people who are clearly emotionally fragile even WANT to hangout in an environment like this? They shouldn't. In fact it should be the last place they would look to for salvation, yet despite their better judgement they still seem to gravitate towards blogging. I just don't understand it. Take Homeless Stud, (FakesUncovered) for instance, the subject of this intervention. He likes to primp and posture but in reality he's the undisputed biggest crybaby in blogging history. TrollTrackers own Baby Huey, only instead of a duck he looks like a fucking ostrich. Based on the amount of eye-rolling his posts seem to elicit, it appears that everyone realizes how much of a damaged goods emo wreck that he is except for him. How can anyone be so delusional that they're so completely oblivious to how they're perceived? He will inevitably say that he doesn't care what anyone else thinks about him but his attitude shows otherwise.

Over the years we've all read countless stories from various sources about how much he calls them and whines about .... I can sympathize. I used to have to listen to Homeless Stud, for hours upon hours, whine non-stop about this or that broadcaster who was picking on him. He didn't use those words, no, but that was always the gist of his whining. Every couple of weeks he would cry about how he was quitting broadcasting because he couldn't stand someone. The guy would literally get into a heated troll war with some random troll and then within hours he would be in a channel having a tantrum. It eventually got to be a running joke and every-time he would throw a shit-fit in the middle of a battle and claim he was quitting, we would laugh amongst each other and point out that he would be back within two days.

None of us took him seriously and we always felt that he was a fucking nutcase. I pride myself on being a patient person and it's in my nature to be empathetic, but my patience is not limitless. There are only so many chances you can give a person, only so many times you can look the other way before you finally stop and say, "Hey, this dude is a fucking nutcase!"

If you're Homeless Stud and someone gets the better of you it's time to spew angst endlessly, whine, and beg people on the phone, in messenger, and in real-life to shield for you so that you don't get pounded so badly. This crybaby literally spent MONTHS name-dropping another man and willfully emasculating himself in-order to get backup to come to his channel and save him. We've all seen chicks play the namedrop game, but I have never seen a "man" do it. It was absolutely disgusting. Also, if you need 4 or 5 people to shield for you every time you get trolled, then why even bother? Maybe that's why when you view his blog, nowhere are his readers to be found.

Time to prove to the world what I already know... Blog trolls are lightweight sissies you can date-rape after just a few drinks! Cheap and easy, the entire lot of 'em. They also have bad taste in booze and drink fruity swill that anybody with access to the good shit wouldn't use to start a fire.

Watch in amazement as I out-blog the shifty-eyed LA, and post proof of my progress as the blog wears on. Watch in shock-horror as I not only disgrace their countrymen, but also the entire blog population, as they start to hiccup after their second swig. Watch!

I just ceremoniously buried the first of many brave soldiers destined to fall here:

TT

- catch me if you can