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Happy New Year all.

For those of you who have found a soul mate, keep moving, nothing to see here. Go on and romp with Sprdave and Tina Weezer as they whip up lots of frenzied excitement about the proper way to broadcast your driveway. Here in this blog you'll just find some plain heartfelt advice to our resident psycho Tommy, who pines for a love mate.

As his Leo Sayer cultural references show, Tommy is no spring chicken. Before he drifts into that confirmed bachelor/extra man/longtime male companion category, I'd like to reach out and offer him some advice on finding a mate.


OK. Are you with me, buddy? Good. There are five categories of females, and here you'll find the different categories broken down and explained. In doing this, we can pinpoint the right kind of partner for you.

Here's our first category.





The Hard to Get types can be quite alluring in their Forbidden Fruit way, but can be very high maintenance for a man of property such as yourself. You need someone who is going to support you in your important business dealings, not contribute to your burden. Look but don't touch, Tommy. It's not worth it.



Next up:







The quiet homebody. Virtuous and mute, she'll be able to peel your bananas and keep your secrets, but she doesn't travel well. You don't want a mate that you'll be ashamed of at parties. A go-getter like you needs more of a social animal who can mix it up in any crowd. This is someone who will make a good third wife when you're 90 and only interested in oatmeal and saving electricity. Also watch out -- lots of these gals are closet boozers.

Moving on.....






Yes, it's flattering when these come-hither queens of the jungle crook their little fingers and beckon you into their lairs, but the euphoria will be short-lived. There is no 800-lb. gorilla as heavy as the one sitting on your face. If you were a fit young ape, it would be a different story. However, you won't be able to handle these aggressive chunky monkeys and will be worn out within a week, all shooting arm pains and red-faced gasping as she throws you around like a hacky-sack.


next








These seemingly carefree babes are a scourge on nice fellas like you. Oh, they might make eye contact, and bare their breasts, even make a display of urinating all around their domicile, as we see here. The thing is, it's not about you, and will never be about you with these vapid pee-pee primates. You might lure them to bed or corner them over the kitchen sink for some lusty inter-species urine-soaked frolicking, but don't be surprised if they film it and send the vid to The Woodshed.


Finally,





Here she is. Friendly, open, natural good looks, good gums, this is what you need. A cute-as-a-button able-bodied albino monkey with a good sense of humor, she's all lady, whether she's charming the socks off of your business associates, moving rocks around the backyard or delicately working your tiny penis whilst perched on the floor under your desk. I see a rosy future for you if you track down one of these personable gals and make her your own.


Good luck Tommy!
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