Traveling North America, these signs blemish the continent's highways promising the weary road traveler clean restrooms and "flame broiled" Double Bacon Whoppers/Cheese all with a minimum-wage smile. Mommies and Daddies can sit back and enjoy a nourishing meal, while the kids amuse themselves with cute, plastic representations of the main characters of Bloggywood's latest cynical cash-grab. These days, one might wonder how we ever did without Lurker Burger and the many conveniences they have to offer. So ubiquitous and welcoming is the familiar LB logo that we rarely if ever question what happened to the sandwich before it found its way wrapped in branded tinfoil and onto our serving tray.
Does Lurker Burger really "fire grill" their burger patties? What exactly goes into those "100% all-American beef" patties and why does it taste like a rained-on copy of the New York Times' Saturday edition? Where exactly has that little Spongebob figure been before your cute little daughter chewed its legs off? This article not only asks but answers these questions and the truth will shock you.
The ingredients of a Lurker Burger burger patty are readily available on most websites.
Sounds great, doesn't it? Knowing that this is the internet and anyone can write whatever they want on their blog regardless of whether it's true or not, we went for a second opinion. We contacted the director of Troll Trackers 'Tard Division, CheeseStrings, and sent her a Lurker Burger patty to analyze.
Rohypnol? Haldol? New York fecal matter from an undisclosed source? No wonder people feel sleepy after eating this garbage.
The answer we got only had us asking more questions. Does the management know about this? How aware are LB's employees about the soporific, bland product they're serving up to tens of people daily?
To answer these new, pressing set of questions, we drove down to the armpit of the US, the single brown star on the American flag, to meet up with perhaps the most famous Lurker Burger manager of all time, Mac "Semi" MacGregor.
"Semi" became famous after he ran across the street to a McDonald's restaurant and staged a hunger strike demanding that they sell nothing but cheap whiskey and Slim-Fast diet supplements. He was brutally beaten by police officers who "simply couldn't take any more of that high-pitched squealing of his". He sued the city for damages and won a large settlement, his argument being "Lurker Burger rules". The jury came back with a unanimous decision in favor of the plaintiff. The presiding judge shot himself two nights later, his suicide note reading "That blogger certificate means nothing in my courtroom and even less where I'm going, you fucking whiner". Since then, he has been hired as the official spokesperson for the Lurker Burger corporation.
TrollTracker: So tell us, Semi, what is "Flame Broiling" as the Lurker Burger corporation defines it?
Semi: I'm glad you asked that question, TT. Every Lurker Burger burger patty is cooked in our state-of-the-art and patented Flame Broiler. I brought a picture along for you so you could get a sense of its majesty.
TrollTracker: But ... that looks like a household microwave oven...
Semi: AH-HA! I knew it! You Troll Trackers are all alike. Always rigging interviews so that your buddies look good. Well, I'm not going to take it anymore and neither is your average consumer between the ages of 16 and 23! That demographic of sheep-like consumers with far too much disposable income for their own good is ours, you hear me!? OURS!!
TrollTracker: Woah there, big guy ... I just want to know if that thing "flames" anything at all.
.... *tape ends*
After an uncomfortable five seconds worth of silence, Semi started ranting like an enraged hippo after having one of Jen's rather sizeable electric dildos rammed up its poop-chute with the "Pleasure Level" set at maximum. He had to be goaded out of the room with promises of extra votes being made in his favor in his call-out with Surf and a new Lurker Burger's clown suit from Fakes Exposed. Needless to say, he left promptly and seeing our chance, so did we.
As we drove away, we saw standing beside the Lurker Burger drive-thru ramp a sight that had us all wondering about the future of western civilization.
Children knew the truth! They knew exactly what was being done to them and they were resenting their parents for the dreariness and drudgery they felt in their lives, and they knew that Lurker Burger was at least partially responsible for it.
Once these kids start hitting their teenage years, all of that resentment will make them wear black clothes, get various parts of their anatomy pierced, and they will reply with "now I know how Joan of Arc felt" every time you tell them to clean their rooms.
Lurker Burger is propagating the much laughed at goth culture every time it sells one of its soporific sandwiches to your children.
Put a cork in boredom and stupidity. Hamstring the next generation of goth conformists. Boycott Lurker Burger now!
TT
- I've always liked Taco Bell better anyhow.
TT what are you writing about here? I’m having a hard time figuring it out.
I am trying to give your blog a fair chance by reading each of your posts but I just don’t comprehend your points. I don’t have an opinion either way on what you have written to date because I don’t understand any of it. Am I missing something? I’m an educated 50 yr old that is either having a hard time understanding your writing style or perhaps I have come in late on the story. I completely understand the verbiage you use but I just don’t get the points you are attempting to make. Are you mocking the blogs and trolls with your posts or is it sarcasm towards the broadcasters?
Please help me get to the point of understanding this post .
It couldn't have been that bad, Anon. You and many others have been here repeatedly when you were a little too distracted by the many options the comment section had to offer, rather than think of your own material and write an original blog. It's true, working your way to the top is tough, but blatantly opposing a blog for the sole reason of "Really?" will get you nowhere round these parts...this isn't LA, welcome to the big leagues.
TT,
You are misunderstanding my question completely. I am not a blog writer or even a comment writer and do not wish to be in the “big leagues" with any of you. I am a blog reader that is simply confused by your post. I’m in Vikki’s room this morning, I see you post the link and I go read it. That is all. I have no ulterior motive nor do I oppose your blog. I just don’t understand it. I apologize if you feel that my prior comment was offensive, I meant no harm by it. I was just asking for clarity.
Vikki has no problem understanding my blogs, Anon; so WTF does that say about you? Sharper minds, brighter blades and ruthless brilliance have moved in to take the helm from coarse vulgarity, cheap innuendo and aggressive attention seeking. My advice: take your gold watch and service certificate and comment on a blog dedicated to world peace and recipes for the lactose intolerant, where you can regale fellow illiterate blog readers with war stories of an era that has drifted into the sunset.
Eat me Einstein!
hahaha Vikki "understands" you and you think that is vindication??
Again the LA Anon mouthpiece is on the loose.
And of course this one is so far up LA's ass, the first thing they assumed is that this blog is all about "ViKkI" when in fact, your silly attempt at shielding LA with simple minded one-liners gained you the "No Fluffy Dice Award", MoFo. LA is trapped securely and truly here, and this blog shall be her TrollTracker highchair of reckoning.
Sit tight, you twinkie snorting whore. I'll show ya one sentence.
No, really. Stay put.